Jazz Joke Gallery, Part 1
[Thanks to Bill O'Connell and Rich Corpolongo for forwarding these on to us—and yes, and there will be more where these came from.]
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I think I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
Q: What's the difference between a guitar player and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.
Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?
A: A tattoo.
Q: What do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit?
A: "The Defendant."
Q: What do clarinetists use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: What did the drummer get on his I.Q. Test?
Q: What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
Q: What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
A: You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.
Q: Why do some people have an instant aversion to banjo players?
A: It saves time in the long run.
Q: What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
A: About three decibels.
Q: What's the latest crime wave in New York City?
A: Drive-by trombone solos.
Q: What's the definition of a minor second interval?
A: Two Soprano Sax players reading off the same part.
Q: What is another term for trombone?
A: A wind driven, manually operated, pitch approximator.
Q: What is the dynamic range of a bass trombone?
A: On or off.
Q: Why do people play trombone?
A: Because they can't move their fingers and read music at the same time.
Q: How many trombonists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, but it's the only thing they won't screw.
Q: How does a violist's brain cell die?
Q: What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A: A music critic.
Q: Why did the clarinet player marry the accordion player?
A: Upward mobility.
Q: How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
A: Put it in a viola case.
Q: What do a guitar solo and premature ejaculation have in common?
A: You know it's coming and there's nothing you can do about it.
Q: What will you never say about a banjo player?
A: That's the banjo player's Porsche.
Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
Q: There are two tuba players sitting in a car. Who's driving?
A: The policeman
Q: Why are harps like elderly parents?
A: Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.
Q: What's the first thing a girl singer does in the morning?
A: Puts on her clothes and goes home.
Q: What's the difference between an oboe and a bassoon?
A: You can hit a baseball further with a bassoon.
Tuba Player: "Did you hear my last recital?"
Friend: "I hope so."
Michael Caine walks up to Milton Berle during a party and asks, "What kind of cigar are you smoking there?" "It's a Lawrence Welk." says Milton. "What's a Lawrence Welk?" Michael asks. Milton says "It's a piece of crap with a band wrapped around it."
Q: How does a young man become a member of a high school chorus?
A: On the first day of school he turns into the wrong classroom.
Female vocalist asks her keyboard player, "I'd like to do 'My Funny Valentine' tonight... but can you think of a way to 'jazz' it up?" Keyboard player replies, "Sure, we can do the first chorus in G minor, then modulate to G#minor for the second chorus in 5/4 time, then modulate to A minor in 3/4 time for the bridge, then cut off the last 3 bars!" She claims, "That might be too complicated to do without a rehearsal!"
Keyboard player responds, "Well, that's how you did it last night!"
Q: What do you call the guy who hangs out with the musicians in the band?
A: The drummer.